


even when you're next to me / it's not the way i'm picturing

by nenesin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Childhood Friends, Felix is oblivious, M/M, Marriage, Questionable grammar, Unrequited Love, chan is hopeless, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22325362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nenesin/pseuds/nenesin
Summary: you wanna be friends forever, i can think of something better(hayley kiyoko - sleepover)
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28





	even when you're next to me / it's not the way i'm picturing

**Author's Note:**

> not only is this unbeta-d, it was originally a johnyong wip i wrote in 2017 so thats the excuse for why it sucks. however i'm skz ult now so chanlix takes the hit. the tenses in this are also fucked to hell because english is not my forte so i do apologise

chan knew this day would come.

the flowers were tulips, like the colour of felix’s cheeks when flushed. the bride’s dress was beautiful. layers of satin, charmeuse and lace cascaded to the ground like moonflowers on a hill. a semicircular, high collar made of lace materials headed the ankle-length robe, her hair lay in curls, falling like silk. the groom looked alluring, as he always did in a suit. it was a three-piece, the cut flattered his shape, and his aura boasted elegance. they were perfect together.

ten months ago, felix confided in chan, and told him about a girl, the love of his life, and he planned to ask her to spend the rest their lives together. chan’s heart swelled, but not with joy. all he could feel was misery, it took him over like a storm. the envy which he had pushed down for so long rose again, it bubbled into his throat and suffocated him. chan hated himself for being bitter, hated himself for not being happy for his best friend, because all he wanted, truly, was for felix to be happy.

chan loved felix more than anything. they had been friends since the very first day of pre-school, and were inseparable since. chan was felix’s rock after each dark day, each failed exam, and each broken heart. chan had guided felix out of his shell, made him experience life outside of his comfort zone. all of their differences completed each other, like a puzzle.

it was a july sunset when chan realised he had fallen for his younger companion. the two were laying in the back of felix’s pickup truck, in an empty field just outside of town, cliché as it may seem. chan didn’t remember what he had been talking about, but felix had been rambling. chan thought it was ever so endearing. the older had studied felix’s face, the way the orange hues complimented his soft features, illuminating his tan skin and dusting of freckles. chan had always known his best friend was attractive, but at that moment, he knew he was completely enthralled with him.

and now here he was, six years after that night, stood alone, drink in hand, before the wedding of the man he loved. he’d ticked “no” in the plus-one box. chan had never dated, only watched as felix’s partners came and went, never confessing himself. at one time, there had been an inkling of hope for chan. one of felix’s flings was a bright boy named jisung, from his philosophy class during the last year of college. felix came out as bisexual. chan’s little gay heart had swelled at the news; felix was not only openly proud about his identity — chan was now, not completely, erased from the equation. when jisung inevitably left felix, for a dancer with eyes like a clear night sky, chan was there to be the shoulder to cry on. he assured himself that, when the opportunity was presented, chan would finally confess to felix.

the idea swallowed chan’s life like jonah and the whale. at the forefront of his mind, constantly, was how, and where, he would spill the contents of his heart to his life-long best friend. the plan pieced itself together. it’d be a movie date, something not too violent, so as not to ruin the mood - a comedy, perhaps? but what about a horror? felix would cling to chan like they were kids again, burying his face into the other’s side during the gory scenes. it’d play long into the night, and after, chan would walk the younger home. they’d slow as they reached the entrance to felix’s apartment, and chan would step closer to him, looking intensely into felix’s eyes; he’d count the freckles surrounding, as he’d done many times before, while building up the courage to speak. to tell felix that he would never love someone the way he loves him. but when the night came, it was felix who spoke first. he met chan’s eyes, his own sparkling, and spoke of a girl he’d met -- at work, he says. her smile was the most incredible thing, he says. he was seeing her again on friday, he says. it’s crazy, but she might be the one, he says. chan was baffled, to say the least. it wasn’t supposed to go that way. chan held down the emotion crawling its way up his throat long enough to congratulate and part with felix. he turned as felix stepped into his building, confused, upset, hurt. he had no right to feel this betrayed, though, right? he had no claim to felix - he couldn’t prevent him from dating someone else, only because he wouldn’t bring himself to say those three small words. he told himself he would wait, again, and he would another get the chance to confess.

and he did wait. for almost a year, chan watched felix’s face light up at any mention of this girl, his own heart sinking. chan adored that expression, but desperately craved to be the one who caused it. one day, he received the trademark call from felix. are you free to come over, he asked, sounding rattled, i need someone to talk to. and chan went, as always; when he was free, or piled up with work, no matter what, he’d do anything that felix asked. when he let himself in, felix wasn’t on his usual spot on the couch, tears streaming into a tub of ice cream. no, felix was seated at his desk, widened eyes focused on his laptop screen, on a webpage boldly titled: “ _RINGS - ENGAGEMENT._ ”  
it was then that chan’s last flame of hope was extinguished, his heart dark and desolate without the potential of felix reciprocating his feelings. an explanation from felix wasn’t needed - this hadn’t been a “she dumped me, please help,” call, it’d been a “i love her, i’m going to propose,” call. chan had never felt an agony more severe.

felix looked up, and chan quickly masked the dread that washed over him. woah, already? he’d coughed out. felix sat him down, and clutched chan’s hands around his own. chan felt like he’d sink into cartoon quicksand if he pulled away, so he didn’t. felix nodded toward the ring currently displayed on the screen. what do you think? he asked; chan thought it was gorgeous, and told felix so. 

at the bar, chan was ripped from his memory by a forlorn-looking felix. chan asked if he was feeling alright, to which he was met with silence.  
his friend’s lip trembled, and tears began to fill his eyes. shit, chan thought, shit, this can’t be good.

he grabbed felix’s hand, walking briskly through the back of the bar to the smoking area outside. it was empty, thankfully. chan didn’t ask, only pulling the younger into a tight embrace, caging him with his arms, knowing that felix felt most comfortable when something firm was grounding him. he’d let felix speak in his own time - or not. whatever he wanted. eventually felix’s rapid breath slowed, allowing him to explain to chan.

she was gone. 

chan’s expression was incredulous. she’d realised, only on their wedding day, apparently, that they were not meant to be. felix cried as he told chan, but strangely, they were not tears of sorrow. he wasn’t sad, at all. he was relieved; it scared him. why was he okay with being left, on today of all days? why did he think of chan immediately? why did chan’s touch send sparks through his veins? 

what he didn’t tell chan were her parting words - that felix was in love with chan, all along. what frightened felix the most was maybe he did love chan, more than a best friend should, and maybe, somewhere in his heart, he wished that chan was the one at the altar instead. 

felix pulled away from chan’s grasp. the intense look in the older’s eyes told felix he felt the same, but he wasn’t sure - he can’t assume something like that. 

chan stared back, looking up and down the other’s face, slowing as he reached his lips. his mind, helpfully, supplied a montage-style selection of memories of the two of them. chan was, and has always been, utterly, and completely, head over heels for this boy. unbeknownst to him, the feeling was mutual. his eyes flittered back up to meet felix’s, however to chan’s surprise, they were focused on his lips. holy fuck, he thought, is this real?

this was stupid, they were acting like teenagers again, but felix leaned in further. chan asked if he really wanted this, if it wasn’t only the shock and grief of the situation. he assured him that he’d never been surer of anything in his entire life. 

kissing felix for the first time didn’t feel like fireworks and sparks and explosions. it felt soft and calm, like he found something lost long ago. it felt natural and beautiful and sweet and like felix was his home. 

every kiss since that night felt that way. every reassuring squeeze of his hand, every time chan woke up and looked at felix, every moment chan had that was just them - he felt safe and home. he wanted to never let that go. he never wants to let felix go.


End file.
